There is a parable my pastor at FUMCAH once shared to me. It’s about a farmer who has a lot of different sh** happen to him. With certain sh** , his friends would say, “Oh, that’s so good!”. Other times, they’d say, “Oh, that’s too bad.” Each time, the farmer just shrugs and replies, “Good or bad, hard to say”. Now that I am also a full-fledged farmer, I can truly relate to this parable.

This morning I woke up bright and early. Gerard said I can help with the cows today. I’m excited. As I step into the cow shed, I am not sure what my place is. However, I watched them go about their duties yesterday, and truly it looks fairly easy.

1. Spray the utters.
2. Flip the switch up.
3. Hit start.
4. Put the suction thingymajiggers (I’m 99% sure that is what its called) on the utters.
5. Boom –> MILK.
6. Also try to avoid getting hit by cow poop and urine launching at you from several different directions.

PSHH I got this. But also…. I don’t. Despite my intelligence, education, work ethic, and the fact I’m usually managing much more dire situations at work, I am not nor ever have been a farmer. I’m also not even European. I probably look as lost as I feel, and that’s why I haven’t been trusted with many tasks yet. I watch Jason, the 15 year old French farm boy, take charge of the equipment, and alas I am the utter sprayer. Even as I spray, I feel Gerard watching to make sure I don’t do it wrong. Obviously, it is only day 2/30, but a part of me is sad to feel not useful. In moments of loneliness, it makes me feel not wanted. I miss my friends and feeling competent and needed. UMM Semi-unrelated, but I miss peanut butter! I have one more to-go jiffy pack. I don’t know how Europeans survive without. Maybe my old roommate, who is deathly allergic to nuts, can offer me advice/encouragement.

Ok. But yes, there are also many feelings of gratitude. As I said, I am sleeping – got 8 hours last night! It has been so so long since that has happened. I go to sleep when its dark and wake just before sunrise. My circadian rhythm is STOKED. I also am eating home-cooked food around a dinner table. This is so different than than my constant “girl dinners” shoved down quickly at work or on the way to whatever back-to-back activity I had planned before. I also learned a couple French words today, and even small-talked the french boys using google translate. There is so much time to write, make music, go on a walk, overthink my existence, etc. etc.

3 mile walk to Monkstown Castle

Everything that has happened – it’s hard to say how I feel about it yet. So, I won’t label anything. Good? Bad? Nope. It’s hard (and too soon) to say.