In my last post, I talked about how gaslighting myself helped me achieve my goal of summiting Chimborazo. It’s a strategy that works—for a little while, at least. But I’ve come to realize that this approach has an expiration date. Long-lasting strength isn’t about ignoring your body’s signals or convincing yourself you aren’t tired. It’s about learning to live in the present, building a deep sense of intuition, and learning to support your body’s needs. I genuinely believe that true strength isn’t just about what you can endure, but also about knowing when to stop, rest, and heal.
When I think about long-lasting strength, I think about this boat owner/fisherman I got to meet a few weeks ago! He is in his 80s, He’s sharp as a tack, and he does 500 pushups a day. Like whoah.
Sinking
For months, I felt like I had been swimming with a weighted vest. As long as I kept swimming, I was doing ok and able to keep pushing myself to do fun and adventurous things. But if I stopped pushing, I knew I’d just sink. And from the moment I landed back from Ecuador, that weight took hold. Thank god my mom was there to help get me to Massachusetts. If you don’t know my mom, she’s an amazing woman. She flew to Denver just to help me pack and drive across the country. Also, she did 75% of the driving.
As we drove, I could barely stay awake each day, but I also couldn’t sleep. I wasn’t hungry. My brain felt foggy. Honestly though, I wasn’t surprised that I was breaking down. My body had been sending me signals for a long time. For the past four months, my period had been gone, a signaI I had relapsed into Hypothalamic Amenorrhea (HA). I kept pushing because I was so focused on my goal of summiting Chimborazo, but I knew facing HA recovery again was coming.
What Is HA?
HA is a problem many women face. It’s a condition where the hypothalamus is suppressed because your body doesn’t feel it’s safe to spend energy on “silly” things like hormones. And honestly? I get it. I had just forced my body up a 20,000-foot volcano on no sleep—of course it wasn’t thinking about reproduction. Lots of girls and women have HA, and some women who are on the BC pill don’t even know they might have it! But just because something is common doesn’t mean it’s healthy—and it’s about much more than just having kids.
Healthy hormones are crucial for so much more than reproduction. In the short term, low estrogen can lead to fatigue, mood swings, sleep disturbances, and brain fog to name a few. Over time, it can contribute to serious health issues like early-onset osteopenia and negative impacts on your cardiovascular and brain health. I’ve always valued my long-term health above all else, and I knew I had to make some serious changes. This meant prioritizing hormonal health and drastically decreasing all kinds of stress.
My new mission was simple, to go “all in”. This term is from an HA recovery guidebook (pictured above) which basically means to eat more and more frequently (at least 2,500 calories a day, every 3-4 hours, prioritizing fats and carbs), and then completely stop all high-intensity exercise. No running. No HITT. I guess also no going on the stair stepper with an oxygen deprivation mask?
The Slow Road to Recovery
A prescription to sit around and eat more sounds great, but HA recovery is kind of a bitch. The first time I recovered from HA, it took a whole year of “all in”. I am hopeful/expectant that this time won’t last nearly that long. However, recovering from under-fueling is incredibly counterintuitive. I need to eat more, but my digestion is sluggish. I need to rest, but my anxiety is heightened. I am tired all day, then wired at night. I miss the endorphin rush of a good run and I sometimes feel sad seeing my friends’ adventures on Strava.
I’m also incredibly grateful for my time in the Berkshires. It truly offered me an opportunity to rest. As a summer camp nurse, my job was way less intense than the hospital, with ample time for bathroom and meal breaks. I was provided with genuinely yummy and nutritious meals, snacks, and desserts. Heck, even laundry was done for us! I traded high-intensity workouts for short walks in the woods, yoga, and even a few dance classes with the kids.
Little by little, I notice things improving. I’m getting hungry for full meals more often, and I am rediscovering the joy in just being outside (realizing I don’t have to be about to die outside in order to enjoy it). I do believe things are slowly getting better, but it takes time. I got my blood work done recently, and it was disappointing to see, but I also recognize the need to continue on.
Some side quests while in the Northeast
Because of this, I’ve decided I need a little more time to heal. I was offered a three-month Telemetry contract in Rhode Island, and I’ve decided to take it. When my body is ready, I’m so eager to get back to Colorado for the mountains, run clubs, and the friends I miss. I’m also genuinely excited for this next chapter. Providence seems like an adorable city with lots of young people and a good music scene. My lease is in a great area (near Brown’s campus), and I am not far to the coast. Also, even though it is not necessarily restful, surfing doesn’t count as HIIT. Surfing has been on my mind to learn for a bit; it’s just not really accessible in Colorado. So with that … catch my future posts about my adventures as a kook on the East Coast!
Creating Space 
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