Hi my name is Ashley! I smell like dirty underwear, have no clothes with me, haven’t had a good night’s sleep in 3 days, and I also cannot even follow simple instructions.

That is the greeting I think I will use in 30 minutes when Terje picks me up.

Short Story: I flew yesterday from Amsterdam to Oslo with plans to catch the last bus to Odda, Norway. Unfortunately for me, the plane was 30 minutes late, and my bag did not show either. I missed the bus to Odda and had to spend the night in Oslo. Today, I got on the 7 hour long bus-ride, still no bag, and then, I managed to mess it up and miss the bus switch. Now, I am 40 minutes away from this family’s hotel rather than 5 minutes away, and my new host, Terje, is coming to rescue me.

Longer Story: I have not felt great for the past 2-3 days. Through a multitude of situations, some based on my decisions and others out of my control, I find myself tired, down a bit of money, without my luggage, and feeling disconnected. It is easy to sit and sulk, telling myself I should have done X,Y, or Z. It’s easy to blame the world. Why did an airline lose my baggage on a one-way, direct, flight?

Money Money Money (must be funny … in a rich – you get the point)

I grew up in an economically smart family, with parents who really valued teaching us to save. I think I was 11 when I was given my first Quicken subscription. Shortly after, I had an allowance, a bank account, and a debit card. I was guided on how to budget/pay for things myself. Then, I started learning the game. For example, I could pack my own lunch for school (free food at home) and then pocket what I used to spend on school food. GENIUS.

However, I was a perfectionist, and there is always a better hack, a way to save more/spend less. Somewhere along the road, I developed a poor man’s mindset. I am afraid to spend and feel guilty doing so. That probably sounds hilarious and hypocritical to say. For f***sake, I am on a work-leave, bouncing around Europe. I do have money. I do enjoy nice things and adventure. I just battle the guilt way too much. It’s like when your grandma bites a brownie while simultaneously saying, “I shouldn’t be eating this”. Just enjoy the dang brownie?!

There is no happy end to this paragraph. I just go back to reminding myself how my decisions align with other goals and values of mine, even if I am not saving money. I also need to forgive myself and not dwell on “mistakes” I might make along the way. In the meantime, I am also so open to the advice of others, as I contemplate these concepts myself.

Physical Fatigue

Traveling is hard physically. I have been bouncing around for almost 2 weeks now, on a mixture of flights, busses, road trips, etc. I have stayed in hostels and had less access to nutritious food. On one end, I am feeling physically tired, but I am also a little restless. It feels like a long time since I have been able to work-out. Over the past 2 months, I have run some, but I miss the strength building of rock climbing and yoga. In the past 2 weeks, it also has seemed silly to run too much when I simultaneously did not want to spend money on food.  Now, I also don’t have clothes or shoes to work-out in, so that further fuels the problem. I also have been on a bus for 5 hours. Once again not a happy ending to the paragraph. I think it is just a waiting game?

Perhaps the worse looming problem is that until my bags get back to me, I will start to withdraw from my SSRI. Funny enough, I have wanted to come off my SSRI for some-time, but the physical symptoms of withdraw have kept me from doing so. In the past, when I forgot to take my medication, I started to have extreme fatigue, insomnia, and nausea. [Side note. I did go to a drop-in doctor in Oslo, Norway, but after $60 was already lost, I came to find they don’t have the SSRI I am on in this country.] WELP. Maybe, my bag will show up tomorrow? Maybe, this is the universe telling me to come off my medication now? Maybe, I should have put my med bag in my carry-on. Hindsight is 20/20.

Connection (or should I say disconnection?)

There is a reason why I wanted to do work-stays, and it was more than just for financial savviness. Staying somewhere a few days doesn’t allow time to form any sort of relationship with someone. A few weeks in, you gain a sense of comfort and belonging. I am missing that deeper sense of connection while I have been bouncing around. Also, ruminating on feeling isolated…often makes you feel more isolated. It is easy to think that if no one is calling/texting, then no one cares. I know that’s not true. People are busy, and there is a massive time difference too. I am hopeful the future will bring more connection. That doesn’t change how I am feeling in this moment, but hope is good.

I know this low will not last forever. However, right now it would be dishonest for me to blast all the highlights on this blog without admitting the lows. Truthfully, I have every hope and desire that in 40 minutes I will be starting a better night, a better tomorrow, a better two weeks. Also, it is not fair of me to say the low of the past 48 hours means I haven’t had highs in the past week as well. I think I will wait to put a different post out about Amsterdam later this week. I really just want some clean underwear though.