A lot has happened in the past 24 hours where even though I didn’t go to Uganda for the reasons below, I think God was guiding me home, and I am grateful to be in Florida with family right now.

So what other reasons are there that I am not in Uganda? What am I doing now?

I know I don’t HAVE to explain my decisions, but I am content with them and feel okay sharing.

I knew I was a little nervous for my upcoming trip , but I didn’t think about it. I was so focused on getting the vaccine, meds, and visa in order that I did not take time to feel the nervousness. When on a run in BCN, I got a text from the team with an estimated budget for what I would be spending while in Uganda. It was a lot. That trigger (as well as my lack of sleep from the weekend) made all those nerves come out full force.

“The kind of anxiety you are describing could either be cold feet because you are doing the right thing and it is really important, even if it is costly. Or it could be your deep, gut instinct, telling you this is not right, and you need to make a last-minute pivot. I know that is not a very helpful suggestion, but can you get quiet enough to hear which one is more true?”

With that message, I remembered I have an inner sense of knowing, and I have choices.

When I let things get quiet, I recognized that although I was nervous about the new country, new setting, etc…that was not what was actually bothering me.

Instead. I was very anxious about ….

1. Lingering Uncertainty

I was planning to go in a week and had not received a clear role of how I would be contributing. I don’t necessarily blame the organization for this. They actually had already done a lot of planning to help me work through details of my volunteering. We just had a very short timeline. Perhaps, a nurse with more experience could handle the lack of clarity, knowing they could rely on experience and wisdom to get through any situation. I am not that nurse, not yet anyways. Right now, I am not ready to handle certain medical or ethical situations if they were presented to me. I didn’t feel safe with this uncertainty.

2. The Cost

The cost of the project was a bit more than I anticipated. Sure, I knew that I had to contribute to flights, housing, food. However, the budget also added security, transportation, organizational contribution, etc. It felt like a big financial commitment to make in a relatively short amount of time.

3. Conflicting Values

This is the part I did not recognize was bothering me until I took some time to process. At the end of the day, I am pro-choice, and I strongly support LGTBQ+ rights. The organization has a base value of being pro-life (which also aligns with the country). In Uganda, abortion is completely illegal. I still have the utmost admiration for the organization. They are doing incredible work to empower and better the lives of women who have been placed in extremely difficult situations. However, I realized I am not comfortable working with vulnerable women and being asked to push values onto them that I don’t believe in. Continuing on, in Uganda, it is not just illegal to be gay, but there is a lot of current political stress over LGTBQ+ laws, with the possibility of death sentences as punishment for “serial offenders”. In the meantime, gay activists have been injured and killed. The wrong person looking into my social media and reporting me could have severe consequences.

I know I am REALLY lucky to have the option to simply back-out,. I know women in Uganda don’t have the option for a safe abortion. I know the LGTBQ+ individuals in Uganda cannot simply decide to leave. I also know me going to Uganda right now doesn’t help either of those situations.

All that said, I cancelled my flight for a partial refund. I am disappointed and feel guilty to have wasted my own time and money as well as the time of the volunteer coordinator. I am disappointed to say no to what I envisioned would be a really growing and meaningful experience. However, I also believe there are endless ways to grow and learn and help. I am not sure what I am doing, and that brings a new sense of nervousness, but I DO feel really good about making decisions in line with my values and continuing to learn how to listen to my own intuition.

In the meantime, I also have a fun post about my amazing last week in Tenerife coming soon!

XOXO,

Ashley