This blog post is inspired by the man, the myth, the legend…Noah Kahan

Before we start, please give the song a listen. Otherwise, none of the blog makes sense!

But I ignore things, and I move sideways
Until I forget what I felt in the first place
At the end of the day I know there are worse ways
To stay alive
‘Cause everyone’s growing and everyone’s healthy
I’m terrified that I might never have met me
Oh, if my engine works perfect on empty
I guess I’ll drive

First, how does this man continuously go into my brain, pull exactly what I am thinking and put it into a song. There is not a song that he is written that I am not like, “huh Noah thanks for spelling out my life”. It’s great. It’s awful. I desperately need to see this man in concert.

OK. But Ashley… Why are you forcing us to listen to your moody folk pop?

The title of this song, “Growing Sideways” has stuck with me for nearly two years now, to the point where I referenced it in therapy this week. My interpretation of growing sideways is when you are trying so hard and struggling a lot, but your struggle is not really productive. Instead of moving forward, you just move sideways.

I was talking to my therapist about how I feel unable to move forward at the moment and how scary that is. I talked about feeling this way often in life, feeling like I am hustling really hard but only moving sideways. She then presented the question, “What would you have to believe about yourself in order to grow forward?”

I pondered this for a bit, journaled, and my answer was that there is something to be said about appreciating and recognizing small growth.

When I was abroad, there were times where I was not so worried about stagnation. I believe it is because I found growth in small things, and I was also surrounded by cultures that were okay with just being present. I found contentment in living a month at a dairy farm and saying… “I learned how to make Irish Soda Bread this month.” If I were in Denver, and the only thing I figured out in a month was how to make Irish Soda Bread, I would feel so much guilt. Yet, for some reason in Ireland… it was ok?

Since coming to the US, I have been placed into a lot of uncomfortable situations and also asked to stand still while we wait for answers for my brother. I have no idea where to move, and it is difficult in the huslte culture of America that I need to wait and wait and wait. I have found myself afraid of the still and hustling in 100 different directions, wasting time and energy “growing sideways”.

I am not sure where I am going with this now except that I am going to try to take my own advice and focus on opportunities for small growth.

SUCH ASSSSS

1. Review CEN Curriculum for 30 min a day. Even if you get distracted, just learn one new thing and write it down.
2. Learn to sleep without my sleep meds (slow weaning)
3. Learn a new song or chord on guitar
4. MAYBE learn how to use the instant pot (no promises mom)
5. Drink some water cuz I’m a constant raisin.
6. Most important: practice being present.